A breakup is always nasty. Especially when you are the one who gets rejected. On December 25th doctors diagnosed me with an autoimmune disease (AID). I lost my thumb nails, hair curls and my girlfriend. Before my diagnosis, I used to be an event manager, a start-up dude, healthy, pretty, tall, tattooed, a good cook and had plenty of other useful skills.
How could just a few bald spots change my life so drastically? Maybe because I was miserable. Maybe because she was immature.
People are strange when you’re a stranger
Faces look ugly when you’re alone
Women seem wicked when you’re unwanted
Streets are uneven when you’re down
– Jim Morrison
From Nerd to Flirt
Samy Kamkar is a hacker, a whistleblower and amazing. If you are not familiar with his work → google him. He is responsible for “the first publicly released self-propagating cross-site scripting worm”, to the detriment of MySpace. Within 20 hours one million users were forced to become his online friends and display the slogan “but most of all, Samy is my hero”.
The Samy Worm became the fastest spreading virus ever to date. I wanted to be like Samy’s worm. A squiggle creature that creeps through apps like a virus. The enfant terrible of online dating. However, dating in the 21th Century is difficult. Nobody knows how many people use online options to find closeness. Some studies suggest up to 20%, others say 40%.
I don’t care, it just seems like the internet is full of possible hookups. So, I went for it and ended up with 83 tinder matches, more contacts from other dating platforms and fourteen dates in between the 13th of July and the 13th of August. Not all of them resulted in a sexy time, but some.
Let me add that I work full-time, run marathons and have friends/family that are my priority. Meeting girls was just a bench player on my team. How could an inchoate and broken version of myself be more successful than Mr. Perfect was?
The Genetic Algorithm Bird
A (2&3) B (3&5) C (4&4), D (6/3), E (10&0)
How many of the above pairs of integers are solutions to 2x + 3y = 20?
We try each of the pairs of integers:
For , A we have 2×2 + 3×3 = 4 + 9 = 13 ≠ 20 .
For , B we have 2×3 + 3×5 = 6 + 15 = 21 ≠ 20.
For , C we have 2×4 + 3×4 = 8 + 12 = 20
For , D we have 2×6 + 3×3 = 12 + 9 = 21 ≠ 20.
For , E we have . 2×10 + 3×0 = 20 + 0 = 20
You just witnessed trial and error.
The same procedure applies for dating purposes. There is no such thing as the perfect way of speaking to girls, no magic pill. Actually, it is all probability calculation and luck.
Let me explain why: All apps work with algorithms. My favorite dating filter is Tinders ELO-Score. Users don’t know how this monster works in detail, but I still love it. Instead of just scanning your profile for a symmetric face, it tries to figure out your level of “desirability”. It’s not about the amount of matches, it’s more about how many people swipe right after seeing your profile.
Therefore, if you’ve used Tinder for a while and now it seems like it offers you only leftovers: delete it and try it again with a different setup!
Change your pictures – do not connect Facebook or Instagram because the ELO-Algorithm will go through everything that you offer. It is an inquisitive little bastard. I tried it a least five times (changed pics, deleted it, used different texts) until I was part of the “right circle of people” on Tinder.
Nevertheless, my system worked and suddenly a good ratio of hotties were available for swiping. They could see me and swipe right, but why should they? I was still the same odd bird, just a bit more visible.
Five Dating App Tips
1. Check out your competition.
Set up a girl’s profile and check out your enemies. Woman are mysteriously beautiful creatures, don’t you dare try to analyze them. It’s a bit easier with your own kind. Admit it – you can distinguish between a hot dude and meh-material. Use that knowledge and turn it against your own kind.
Less is more. Try to be more subtle with your profile. No shirtless pics nor cars needed, if she is not particularly asking for it. What pictures do other guys use? What do girls like in general? → Ask your female friends/relatives!
What’s important is that you are interesting. Women are very attentive. If you have a nice body she’ll see it, even if you are wearing a shirt. You have a great job and think it increases your chances? I have to disappoint you. A zookeeper can be 10 times hotter than a lawyer can – so focus on your strengths.
Side info: You like soccer, boozing with your lads and action movies? That’s great, but as long as she didn’t mention it, stop talking about it. Rather focus on common interests like your morals, your future and health. No one expects you to go deep into mainly “female content”. Present yourself without being boring and as a female friendly version. That should do it.
2. Training and Nutrition.
Stay healthy, mentally and physically. It is sad, but modern society credits perfection, not flaws. Sports, fresh cooked meals and sleep are key factors for long-term-success. You will look better, feel fitter and girls will notice that too.
A modern woman expects a dude to cook for her or himself. Learn it. Knowing how to cook healthy and tasty food is a helpful tool in life. In turn, you will be able to maintain a healthier lifestyle and will lead feeling more confident and sexy about yourself.
And don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about being a gym poser. Swimming, hiking or even table tennis – just do something!
Side info: Being a good cook makes it easier to invite somebody to your home without making it too obvious, like asking her to “Netflix and chill”.
3. Meta Level
Education and manners are key factors. Dating someone requires tremendous amounts of empathy, knowledge and many other talents. Since you don’t know the person, you need to find a common ground to change that. Your general knowledge needs to be on point.
You don’t have to be a wisenheimer, but being a numbskull is never helpful. Wisdom is hidden in books. Read, educate yourself constantly and try to stick with the Zeitgeist.
Side info: It is not expected that you like Adele, Rihanna or Lady Gaga. But you should at least know who they are and what kind of songs they have. It’s the same with literature, culture and food. You don’t have to visit every country nor try all dishes, but at least show interest.
4. Online VS. Real Life
I hope you didn’t lie on your résumé. Cause if you did, you are in deep trouble right now. Being honest saves time and elevates your success rate. Try not to waste your own/other people’s time with bullshit. At the latest when A and B interact with each other, something will look or sound fishy. Eventually it comes crashing down. Try to avoid this situation at all costs.
Being trustworthy is more important than your looks. Good-looking guys cheat, trustworthy dudes stay. If you are both, good for you!
Personally, I try to move asap from the actual dating app to whatsapp. I offer my number and never ask for hers. This way she can decide if she wants to take it to the next level.
Scheduling a date is actually very easy. Just offer a couple of fixed appointments with different suggestions like “eating ice cream, dinner, lunch or maybe a walk.” Let her choose or read between the lines. If you are a local or if she is new in town, you pick the damn spot.
One more point: Don’t be a sissy. Give her time to reply, don’t rush. Maybe she is at work or doesn’t use apps that much and she probably has 100 other matches, cause girls get way more than guys. Be grateful when she gets back to you. If not, stay cool and don’t act like you are breaking up with somebody you never met via Tinder. It happens that people remember you after a while.
Side info: Humbleness is attractive. If she is already meeting you, don’t ruin it with a monologue about how awesome you and your friends are. When the time is right, you will have the chance to prove that you are an expert or incredibly good at something.
Dating is expensive. Try to lower your costs. First dates should always be the cheap ones, because you don’t know if she is worth it. Besides, it shows you what kind of person she is, if she asks for more you can ditch her before it starts.
If you got money and like spending it, do it. If a brother ain’t got no money, keep it to yourself and your family. Don’t split the cake until she is part of the union.
Dating: It’s a mess. Between algorithms, ELO-Scores, face filters, ruined expectations, surfing pics from Thailand, gold digger vibes, unwanted one night stands and short term affairs there might be the right thing called love. Someone that makes you wanna delete your dating apps. That likes the zookeeper with table tennis skills, the nerd with AID, me.
I didn’t find that person yet. But I got laid a couple of times, which is really nice. Some women were lovely, even marriage potential. Sadly it didn’t work out. I preach more than I practice and break my own rules because of a stupid crush or some quick fun. Don’t be like me, don’t fuck it up.
Apart from that I strongly believe everybody will find somebody. Be like Samys Worm. Throw out the net and statistically you’ll succeed.
Another option is to start focusing on the important things in life like the people that already love you and countless lovable creatures that inhabit this planet. I fell in love with a cat. She is my baby now.
Girls like animals too. Let’s hope I’ll find the right one through her. Her name is Frida. Frida the cat.